Well...I am back.

I wanted to do this blog thing on a daily basis - however I found myself in kind of a tough place and I needed to work it out before I wrote something that I would regret.  I am an incredibly impulsive person and I really have a sharp toungue that can get me into trouble and there is no back peddling on it either.  Accountability factor - heh...anyway - I have taken steps to put myself back into a place that is manageable.  I have a really hard time when I try very hard to make things easy for other people and then only to find out that they think very little of me and have avoidance behaviors that really don't work well for me.  My children are little versions of my sould walking around on this earth and when they are threatened I become very upset.  When my integrity is challenged without any good reason or even a simple reason of some sort - I become upset.  I have abandonment issues..."everyone always leaves eventually".  I have experienced a lot of tradgedy in my young life - not unlike others per ce - however I tend to feel betrayed by the ones that are supposed to love me and be there for me and then they decide one day that they have had enough of me and they leave.  My parents, my sister, my brother, bff's, my first husband (and father of my older two children), my aunt - the list goes on.  Some of those people have died, some of them have just flat told me that I am a mean SOB and they want nothing to do with me, others just go away and never talk to me again with no explanation.  I have been a very needy person in the past but the pain that I have experienced as a result of these things has left me with a fear of trusting people, holding on to the people that I made - maybe a little too tight.  I worry that I will smother those poor kids to death with my overwhelming need to be loved unconditionally by everyone.  I hate having such a big heart sometimes...it gets me in trouble.  I have had to delete a couple of people off of my friends list and my phone because I couldn't handle the knowledge of knowing that they were only tolerating my existence because of my kids.  I thought wow...that is big of you. I took the time to explain to my children that it was up to them if they wanted contact with these people, I however was no longer interested.  It hurt my feelings a lot because I have tried to ensure a positive open relationship that was honest and not intrusive - or so I thought.  Perception is a tough thing to deal with...and they thought I was completely opposite of what I was trying to do and of course no explanation with regards to why they thought this way.  I admit that I am rough around the edges and I become upset about things because I care and it matters to me what impression is left on people but I will not sacrifice my value system for the sake of some one else that really has no business being in my life if they don't have the balls to tell me to my face why they think I am - well a bitch.  Dealing with momma bear here...I am rambling a bit because I am trying to still sort this out.  My kids have agreed that they will have limited access to these people, however because of the prescribed relationship they aren't willing to cut them off completely.  I understand and will work very hard to not ever put them in a position to choose.  It will be very difficult because these people don't care what I think or what my value system is.  I will be the best mom I can be and coach them as objectively as I can to ensure that they aren't uncomfortable in any way.  I keep checking in the mirror to make sure I don't have a giant "dumb ass" sign on my forehead.  Thanks for reading...I am not sure if I made a whole lot of sense but the lesson in all of this...I can be as tolerant and accomodating as possible but in the end it can still hurt me.  Gotta be a little more careful I guess...cheers all.

Wednesday - Hump Day!

When I was a kid I always wondered why they called Wednesday "Hump Day"...to me it wasn't really the middle of the week cuz my week always started on Sunday - I figured that the middle was somewhere between Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning - considering the way my brain thinks I figured out that the general population didn't think like that and so...making it to Wednesday and surviving it meant that there was only a couple of more days until the weekend.  I have worked shift work most of my adult life and so weekends were not that special to me until my kids started getting bigger and wanting to go out and do things with their friends.  I  then realized that I was truly missing out on this mysterious thing called a weekend.  I started taking some of them off and couldn't figure out what all the fuss was about.  The stores are crammed with people who are trying to get all their shopping done, traffic is worse than Wednesday rush hour & there isn't really anything good on TV.  I wonder what people did when the stores closed at 6, weren't open on Sundays and closed early on Saturdays.  Did society really demand such a maniacal way of life that it is okay to drag your kids with you on the weekends from one errand to another, feed them junk food cuz that is what is quick and easy and depending on the weather - well there are those considerations too.  So I figured that I didn't want to waste my weekends with such nonsense.  I thought if I am going to have a life with weekends free that they would need to be meaningful and full of the sound of my children laughing, having a conversation about whatever or just renting a movie that we all want to see and watching it together.  I discovered that if you go grocery shopping first thing in the morning (most stores open @ 7 am) that the day old bagels are cheap, day old bread is 50 cents and there are some really good deals on the occasional pie.  I refuse to run errands on the weekends, the stores are dead on the weekdays between 6-9 and it is the best time to shop anywhere Tuesday - Thursday.  I remember a life when my family spent time together, we would get in the car and go and visit some relatives, eat too much and run around and play with my cousins.  My kids don't have any cousins per se but we certainly do have a big enough family that we could impress upon them the importance of staying in touch.  Leave the shopping to the evenings after work.  There is no need to stay home and watch TV - it really isn't that good for you and reach out and enjoy life.  I am still trying to master the times of everything but what I do know is that when my kids are in bed they don't know that I am not there shopping for groceries, getting school supplies or whatever we may need to get through the next day.  We turned off cable and the internet recently and it is very liberating.  I have access to the NET at work - that is good enough for me...I pay enough money a month to have the privileges I do here so there is really no point in paying for the same thing twice.  I am implementing Family Date Night once a week and my husband and I will also be doing date night, one on one time with every single on of our kids - it will be either me or him and as a result we will build a stronger family unit and building a legacy of family binding ourselves together forever with NO distractions.  Grassroots I think they call it...if we didn't have the NET I would probably be writing a weekly column in the newspaper.  Happy Wednesday all =)

Tuesday - Monday's little brother =0)

I always find Tuesdays to be even more busy than Monday's.  I think it is because of all things that flow into the next day that make it just a little more taxing.

I woke up this morning to the realization that summer is truly over.  We emptied our pool and threw it out - the ring had too many holes in it to keep up.  I decided that we would just use the city run pools instead and make an outing of it.  Good for the kids to get out of the house, get some exercise and have some good old fashioned. fun.

My 9th anniversary is tomorrow. Wow...where did nine years go?!  We started out with a ready made family and then we added a couple more.  Nothing like making things more fun - we have just started travelling again...getting away from it all so to speak.  I have no more money than I did nine years ago, I sure wish I had made some different decisions about a lot of things.  I have totally learned from those misguided decisions and I definitely know that there are some things that I wish I had learned when I was younger...I certainly would not be in the mess I am in - it isn't a huge mess but it is one of those irritating ones that no matter how much you sweep there is that dusty little line left on the floor.

My daughter is busy planning her birthday party for this Friday and she has decided she is going to go to the movies with some friends.  Originally it was a friend or two and now it seems to have exploded into something significantly larger and I worry that I won't be able to pay for it.  Whatever...one less bottle of wine for me I guess (jkg) - she deserves it and I am going to make sure that I can pull it off.  This great kid of mine who has been stuck babysitting for most of the summer and I can't even pay her what she is worth.  Ugh!  Her brother is out galavanting somewhere in Saskatchewan fishing, eating bad food and going to bed late - cuz he's a boy - or so I am told.  When she grows up I hope that she will be able to take with her some of the wisdom that she has learned from looking after her younger siblings.  Her baby sister looks up to her as her idol...they are the best of friends ... so far.  I pray that it stays that way.  My little man told me that he couldn't possibly sleep last night because there was too much to do...he didn't have time to sleep.  I think he was thinking that Scooby Doo and UnderDog would make a great movie together and he was putting the final touches on what his rendition would be..in his brain.  He is excited about going back to school...he thinks that he is going to have the same teacher....I told him that only his aid would be there and all of his friends from grade one.  He proudly announced to his Oma that he would be going into grade two finally after being in school for almost 5 years.  He doesn't know that he has been in school that long but he has no idea what life is like without it.  Maybe he will be a chronic education junkie like his father...filled with useless facts that won't make a paycheck...unless he were to work in a library.

I don't have a lot of insight to offer today...I think because I started blogging too late in the day and my mind has been filled with finance stuff, fund codes and I have visions of application forms swimming through my mind.  I also have to get the Business Presentation ready for tonight and then there is the further discussion of the big event for next week.  In between all that...I gotta get the kids school stuff ready - ack!  Tomorrow I go to Westlock for a networking event and I am booking a Princess House Party for October.  The list goes on and on and on ....

It's Monday! A lot of things on my mind today....

I woke up this morning with this absolute awareness that my life is going to go back to normal very soon.  Kids are back in school in fifteen days and I am not near ready.  School supplies, clothes, shoes and one or two of them might need a new back pack.  Back to the thing with the lunches and the chores and having to pay for something unexpected or last minute because someone forgot their form at school.  Has school become so commercialized that all of this "stuff" that they "need" is a percieved need vs want?  I wonder why my 7 year old needs 20 pencils and 12 duotangs and 10 notebooks?  I know that in elementary school the teachers pool the supplies because kids forget their stuff, lose their stuff or possibly eat the pencil because they are so bored with the current curriculum.  There are great things about back to school, like if I take a mental health day that it will actually be quiet at home.  The concerts, artwork that comes home on occassion, the stories that we hear...the bonus part is the odd phone call from the school telling me that my kid was absent - it took me forever to figure out that I had to call the school to let them know my kid was sick...that is what stops the irritating voice telling me that my kid was missing in school today.  Some things make me completely crazy...fashion, trends, the cost of all of it.  My older kids are constantly telling me that their friends don't have to do chores, that they get to play video games whenever they want, they get to go out to eat and they have the latest gadgets when it comes to phones, mp3 players etc.  I think "wow" what do these people do for a living and they must be doing really well if they work full time and can afford a maid, personal shopper and the bill for all of the latest and greatest electronics that are out there.  I don't see these people at the parent meetings or volunteering for field trips so that must be the case, I wonder when family time happens.  I am a firm believer that you should sit down and eat dinner together at the table every day.  No distractions.  It's good time to check in and see how everyone is doing. 
I had a revelation the other day...this is something that I noticed before but for some reason it is irritating me to no end and I wonder how completely unaccountable the world has become.  I was watching the news lately and for some reason a lot of cars are crashing ...the news people always say that the car lost control and crashed into a pole...or whatever the incident was involving a vehicle...and that the driver was however they were affected.  Now since when did cars have a mind of their own?  I have noticed a lot of cars or trucks lately veering off the road, crashing into other vehicles or stalling and the driver is nowhere to be seen or heard from - apparently they are not at fault with the whole incident.  Or how about this one...some one was stabbed by a knife - no assailant - just a knife.  Now to my little guy - who has autism - he asks me one day if there is a problem with knives just jumping out at you out of no where and stabbing people.  What am I supposed to tell him when the news reports it this way.  It is a nice way of people escaping accountability until an investigation has been launched and evidence concludes as to whether or not someone was driving the car that met with a pole in a violent way.  I am curious as to how people think this is ok...I need to think about this some more and comment on it another day I think.  I better do some work now...sigh.

This train wreck needs a clean up

I haven't had a blog in a long while and I figure it was cuz I was "ok".  It has been almost three years since I "blogged" and  lot has changed.  I remembered one day why it was that I was so lonely - it has a lot to do with not having anyone I can just talk with and that they will listen.  I had that person and she died twenty months ago.  I have been holding my head above water and now I think I am tired of doing that.  Am I depressed - no - just expect more of myself and the people around me don't really listen to me or care.  I need support from the people that are supposed to love and care for me...but lets face it - I gotta do this stuff on my own.  If you are reading this out of curiousity of my title - well here goes.  Intro time...

I am 37, mom of 4 - I live in a townhouse that I bought 3 years ago with the plans of selling it 2 years ago and well the market tanked.  My husband quit his full time job 3 years ago to pursue the dream of an oppertunity that would lead us to a world of comfort and relief.  These last three years have been the most difficult in our relationship but not in my life.  I am tired.  My oldest daughter is an absolutely amazing child...she is so talented and gifted in so many ways and I love her to bits. She has been such a trooper her entire life - being the oldest she takes the brunt of most of my mistakes - but I am still her hero.  My oldest son is a young man who has to live in his own skin and I only pray that he sorts things out by the time he is a grown up.  I keep hoping that his father will step up and be a man - or maybe his dad will cut him a break.  I can only do as much as he will let me.  My little man - he is a breath of fresh air and we have learned a lot from him.  He lives in his own world and he is blessed with so many talents and strengths.  The world focuses on his one weakness - autism - and so we are busy making sure that he gets a fair shake in the world. He just needs to grow up and learn a few things and some of it will take a little longer than others but I am a patient woman.  God blessed me with a beautiful baby girl in the midst of all of our chaos and she has been the ray of sunshine in our day.  She is a very happy little girl who shines a bright light in any room that she enters in to.  I wish I could spend more time with her...she lifts me up and she doesn't even know it.  I thank God for sending me these individuals - I feel truly blessed that I get to be their mom...I certainly don't feel as tho I deserve to have that responsibility but He only sends us what He knows we can handle.  So where does the train wreck come in....well...that would be me.

I am so tired of being tired.  I have worked so hard to focus on the positive things in my life and I woke up recently - after a convention that I had gone to...I realized that I am not doing enough for me and my family.  I also realized that the reason I don't have that special someone is because people have no idea what to do with me.  My husband tells me that my perception of reality is flawed....easy for him to say...he isn't the one footing the bill for this life that we lead.   I think too much and do too little.  I don't want to do this stuff by myself...I have a partner - I just wish he would join the team.  I am having a mini pity party while I try to figure this stuff out and I think today...I will roll up all the pennies I have in the 47jars that are lining my shelves in various areas of my house.  I may be able to roll up enough to buy a new shirt.  I have been trying to figure out how to make the money stretch even further than I have.  We lived on 47k last year - a family of six with a mortgage and two car payments.  It is not supposed to be this hard and most people would have quit by now.  My inspiration is my son.  Despite his differences I have learned a lot from him...and one of them is to perseverate on persistance and to not quit.  What gives me the right?  I wake up everyday and go through the exact same routine (boring) and I eat the exact same thing for breakfast (cuz I hate eating and this is quick)  - the only real highlight of my morning routine is trying to figure out what I am going to wear today.  When my little guys wake up - well - they burst out of their rooms and sing "Hi MOM!" they run up to me and give me a hug and they have these huge smiles on their faces.  There you have it...these guys are keeping me on track - and so today is a new day.  Just like everyday =)