Well...I am back.

I wanted to do this blog thing on a daily basis - however I found myself in kind of a tough place and I needed to work it out before I wrote something that I would regret.  I am an incredibly impulsive person and I really have a sharp toungue that can get me into trouble and there is no back peddling on it either.  Accountability factor - heh...anyway - I have taken steps to put myself back into a place that is manageable.  I have a really hard time when I try very hard to make things easy for other people and then only to find out that they think very little of me and have avoidance behaviors that really don't work well for me.  My children are little versions of my sould walking around on this earth and when they are threatened I become very upset.  When my integrity is challenged without any good reason or even a simple reason of some sort - I become upset.  I have abandonment issues..."everyone always leaves eventually".  I have experienced a lot of tradgedy in my young life - not unlike others per ce - however I tend to feel betrayed by the ones that are supposed to love me and be there for me and then they decide one day that they have had enough of me and they leave.  My parents, my sister, my brother, bff's, my first husband (and father of my older two children), my aunt - the list goes on.  Some of those people have died, some of them have just flat told me that I am a mean SOB and they want nothing to do with me, others just go away and never talk to me again with no explanation.  I have been a very needy person in the past but the pain that I have experienced as a result of these things has left me with a fear of trusting people, holding on to the people that I made - maybe a little too tight.  I worry that I will smother those poor kids to death with my overwhelming need to be loved unconditionally by everyone.  I hate having such a big heart sometimes...it gets me in trouble.  I have had to delete a couple of people off of my friends list and my phone because I couldn't handle the knowledge of knowing that they were only tolerating my existence because of my kids.  I thought wow...that is big of you. I took the time to explain to my children that it was up to them if they wanted contact with these people, I however was no longer interested.  It hurt my feelings a lot because I have tried to ensure a positive open relationship that was honest and not intrusive - or so I thought.  Perception is a tough thing to deal with...and they thought I was completely opposite of what I was trying to do and of course no explanation with regards to why they thought this way.  I admit that I am rough around the edges and I become upset about things because I care and it matters to me what impression is left on people but I will not sacrifice my value system for the sake of some one else that really has no business being in my life if they don't have the balls to tell me to my face why they think I am - well a bitch.  Dealing with momma bear here...I am rambling a bit because I am trying to still sort this out.  My kids have agreed that they will have limited access to these people, however because of the prescribed relationship they aren't willing to cut them off completely.  I understand and will work very hard to not ever put them in a position to choose.  It will be very difficult because these people don't care what I think or what my value system is.  I will be the best mom I can be and coach them as objectively as I can to ensure that they aren't uncomfortable in any way.  I keep checking in the mirror to make sure I don't have a giant "dumb ass" sign on my forehead.  Thanks for reading...I am not sure if I made a whole lot of sense but the lesson in all of this...I can be as tolerant and accomodating as possible but in the end it can still hurt me.  Gotta be a little more careful I guess...cheers all.