I haven't had a blog in a long while and I figure it was cuz I was "ok". It has been almost three years since I "blogged" and lot has changed. I remembered one day why it was that I was so lonely - it has a lot to do with not having anyone I can just talk with and that they will listen. I had that person and she died twenty months ago. I have been holding my head above water and now I think I am tired of doing that. Am I depressed - no - just expect more of myself and the people around me don't really listen to me or care. I need support from the people that are supposed to love and care for me...but lets face it - I gotta do this stuff on my own. If you are reading this out of curiousity of my title - well here goes. Intro time...
I am 37, mom of 4 - I live in a townhouse that I bought 3 years ago with the plans of selling it 2 years ago and well the market tanked. My husband quit his full time job 3 years ago to pursue the dream of an oppertunity that would lead us to a world of comfort and relief. These last three years have been the most difficult in our relationship but not in my life. I am tired. My oldest daughter is an absolutely amazing child...she is so talented and gifted in so many ways and I love her to bits. She has been such a trooper her entire life - being the oldest she takes the brunt of most of my mistakes - but I am still her hero. My oldest son is a young man who has to live in his own skin and I only pray that he sorts things out by the time he is a grown up. I keep hoping that his father will step up and be a man - or maybe his dad will cut him a break. I can only do as much as he will let me. My little man - he is a breath of fresh air and we have learned a lot from him. He lives in his own world and he is blessed with so many talents and strengths. The world focuses on his one weakness - autism - and so we are busy making sure that he gets a fair shake in the world. He just needs to grow up and learn a few things and some of it will take a little longer than others but I am a patient woman. God blessed me with a beautiful baby girl in the midst of all of our chaos and she has been the ray of sunshine in our day. She is a very happy little girl who shines a bright light in any room that she enters in to. I wish I could spend more time with her...she lifts me up and she doesn't even know it. I thank God for sending me these individuals - I feel truly blessed that I get to be their mom...I certainly don't feel as tho I deserve to have that responsibility but He only sends us what He knows we can handle. So where does the train wreck come in....well...that would be me.
I am so tired of being tired. I have worked so hard to focus on the positive things in my life and I woke up recently - after a convention that I had gone to...I realized that I am not doing enough for me and my family. I also realized that the reason I don't have that special someone is because people have no idea what to do with me. My husband tells me that my perception of reality is flawed....easy for him to say...he isn't the one footing the bill for this life that we lead. I think too much and do too little. I don't want to do this stuff by myself...I have a partner - I just wish he would join the team. I am having a mini pity party while I try to figure this stuff out and I think today...I will roll up all the pennies I have in the 47jars that are lining my shelves in various areas of my house. I may be able to roll up enough to buy a new shirt. I have been trying to figure out how to make the money stretch even further than I have. We lived on 47k last year - a family of six with a mortgage and two car payments. It is not supposed to be this hard and most people would have quit by now. My inspiration is my son. Despite his differences I have learned a lot from him...and one of them is to perseverate on persistance and to not quit. What gives me the right? I wake up everyday and go through the exact same routine (boring) and I eat the exact same thing for breakfast (cuz I hate eating and this is quick) - the only real highlight of my morning routine is trying to figure out what I am going to wear today. When my little guys wake up - well - they burst out of their rooms and sing "Hi MOM!" they run up to me and give me a hug and they have these huge smiles on their faces. There you have it...these guys are keeping me on track - and so today is a new day. Just like everyday =)
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