The reflection of the mirror is different in the reflection

So as I sit here - fighting the big fight of life - protecting and caring for my children.  Keeping them safe and away from people who think they know what they are talking about.  People who use things like religion as a cop out for whatever it takes to make them feel better about their lives. 

I am a little cranky today.  I made a decision 13 and a half years ago to protect my children from the madness of a disease that nearly took their biological father from them.  It was something that I did not under any circumstances want my children to experience - the not knowing from one day to the next if their father would be alive or dead when they got home.  This decision has caused problems in my marriage, my relationships with my children and the relationship that I tried to form with their father.  He spent about 11 years getting his "crap" together - after he realized that this self piteous life that he was leading - instead of focusing on the things that the kids needed from him - he whallowed his sorrows in silliness - "why did you take them away?  why won't you let me see them?  why are you doing this to me?  Do you hate me that much that you would eternally use them to break my heart?"  I have listened to this for years and it finally stopped.  He found another person who was willing to listen to his story & take his side.  Someone who is equally entrenched in the grips of churchianity.  Using religion when it works and then not following the teachings when it isn't working for them at that moment.  I will not expose my children to such hypocrisy - I teach them tolerance & love not hate.  Still protecting them.  I found a blog that didn't particularily reference me by name but I knew that the person was talking about me.  Wow...I titled this as I did because the experience that we had together - the interpretation is completely different.  Silly me - I thought that caring and supporting this person for all of these years, raising his children, helping find a place to live, jobs, people to help him - all in vane.  Setting a good example to my kids that despite hurt in the past that you can move forward and still be friends with the ones that hurt you.  A simple misunderstanding would certainly do it.  Talking to the wrong people who don't have a clue...about life, love, family - raising kids with special needs and still finding the time in between to show some love to the ones that are typical.  I say this to the world in general and not just to those who used to be in my life and think they know what is going on inside my head or my heart because "God said so".  The role of a parent is to be there 100% all the time - in whatever capacity that it takes to keep your children safe, to teach them the way of the world and to give them the tools that they need to move on and move forward.  I do not believe in impressing a belief system onto my children that is my own when they haven't had all of their options put forward to them. 

I was disturbed by a bunch of Churchianic radicals who were saying things about Halloween and how they would rather celebrate life than death, that Halloween is evil and all of this crap and nonsense.  Halloween is a mockery of evil - and so it should be.  Or denying your kids the ability to have fun because you had a crappy experience at the same event last year.  I am being very sarcastic but I am really offended by the crap and nonsense that these people leak into my life.  I made the mistake of asking for help & well...the answer was "sucks to be you & no".  Back at ya babe!!! 

Why do people insist on wrecking all the fun out of life because of their experiences.  Their inability to be open minded.  The same people who believe that gay people are sinful - God doesn't make any mistakes - by the way.  God sends us the challenges that we need to move forward on the path that he has chosen for us - He does not intend for people to take the passages out of context & then apply it to whatever situation is suited too.  God teaches to love - not hate.  Why do think the world is in the state that it is in?  This silly need for instant gratification, this sense of entitlement for everything that is out there.  Come on people - and we pass this stuff down to children - all in the name of Churchianity!!! 

The reflection that I see looking back at me in the mirror is not the real story - people need to listen to the rational thoughts, be creative & quit latching on to whatever is out there to make you feel better about the "crappy" life you live.  There is a level of responsibility that we need to teach our kids and copping out is definatley not an option.  We need to grow creative, happy children, who have an open mind that allows them to love unconditionally - don't have to like everyone but tolerance is important.  Fear is the manifestation from ignorance and the refusal to grow a back bone and think for yourself - well that is almost the definition of insanity.  History repeats itself - that is insanity - people need to open their eyes & love each other - show the kids that it is ok to be different.  Put Churchianity to sleep & help grow a world of peace. 

I know that was incredibly random & difficult to follow - but I am mad - sick & tired of people making excuses.  Failure is not an option - I have a lot of people pulling on me & it is beginning to become harder & harder to hang on.  Let it go =0)

Ugh...

I woke up this morning gasping for breath as a I realized that I had been trying to breath through my very plugged up nose.  Gotta love the changing seasons for that but it is worth it for the beauty of it - I guess.  I haven't blogged in a while.  I have been very busy with working, kids, making ends meet, shopping, paying bills, etc.  I have also managed to make the time to make sure that I hang out with my kids everyday - even if it is for 5 minutes.  I am now working a second job to help cover off some extra costs of having teenagers and hoping to save a little to buy back the dreaded minivan.

I have some stuff to talk about today.  I am struggling with the whole nonsense of attitude.  I believe that everything you get is the result of your "hard work".  Whatever that may mean in your world...what I don't get is when people ask why they don't have more than what they think they deserve because they somehow think that they are working hard.  Well...the results show that you are getting paid what you are worth and it is clearly not satisfactory to you...so change it.  I make about 75% of the household income.  I also cover most of the household expenses.  It doesn't leave a whole lot for me and so - I gotta figure out a way to make more money - if that is what I actually need to do.  Maybe I need to trim back some other costs.  Maybe I need to treat money a little differently than I do.  I know that I need to save some for my future, I need to save some for that trip to Disneyland in May...but am I completely responsible for making the money and saving it?  I am struggling with this...so where do I go from here.  I work in the finance industry - I have the knowledge about what I should be doing but I don't necessarily have the means to do it right now.  Should I wait until my kids are grown...that would put me at about 54 when I would have 10 years to save up a million dollars - give or take.  My husband says that we need to get our business going so that we will have that to live on...well...it has been three years and our business has cost in total for the three years almost one years salary...crazy - I know but I do agree with him in a sense that it is a great opportunity but (heh...the big BUT) after three years and countless phone calls at what point to recognize that this one may not be it.  I don't know...he is going to probably read this eventually and call me out...but the great thing about blogging is that you can muse about stuff and maybe find the answer somewhere later.

I look at my kids and hope that they learn from our example and don't end up being complete financial screw ups like their parents...and heaven forbid they should have to support us in anyway.  I am pretty sure that they won't but the thought is in the back of my mind and I take this kind of thing pretty seriously.

I have a good thing to report...all the kids are doing amazing in school - DD #1 is averaging over 82% in all of her subjects, DS #1 is doing super awesome - except for the minor complications with his sperm donor but we are working through it.  DS #2 has transitioned into the new school year with flying colors with only two days of non productivity as I like to call it.  He has the best aid in the world and if it weren't for her and having her we would be having a repeat of the last 5 school year starts.  Our baby DD #2 is turning three next week and she will no longer be a baby - she tells me that all the time tho - not a baby mamma just Jorja.  These guys are the best things that I have done so far and the talent I inherited in making great people is definately an accomplishment.  Get these guys raised up and on their way to the real world and well...me - I will enjoy watching them live.  We will also be welcoming into our home a new addition with in the year - a red scruffy lab who will be M's buddy for life, to help keep him safe from himself and the nasty people around him.  I look forward to this endeavor - I know that we will be hanging out with him sooner than later...which will be wonderful for the whole family.  Not sure where this guy will fit in our small house but it could be worse...and we need more things to smile about - we will go out more and we will be able to manage the whole family with less help.  That is what I am looking forward to...freedom!

Ramblings are done for today - my hands are getting a little crampy and I gotta book a flight to Atlanta for one of my charges.  Cheers all...have a great day!

Well - time sure flies!

Wow - I can't believe that it has been so long since I last posted.  Considering I was planning on doing this as a part of my daily 5.  Back to it - starting today!  What is on my mind ---hmmm. Well I will talk about the last few weeks - the crazy part about life is that you don't really realize how insanely busy you are until you talk about it.

Kids started school on September 1 - with that went its usual chaos.  I actually forgot the dates and thought I had all this time to gather up school supplies and shoes and food for lunches.  My kids are so great because they don't really complain all that much when I do mess up like that.  They all went to school with whatever we had lying around and made it through their first day without it really being a problem.  That night I had to drive to three different stores to find a particular notebook for my son and they were out - everywhere.  I gave up and just told his teacher - whoops!  Two short weeks in a row - sigh.  The big kids settled in pretty good and my little man was a real trooper - only one day out of how ever many that he has been to school - did we have an issue.  I am so glad that he has the same person to support him this year...she is so great and for the first time in six years I didn't get a call from the school to come and get him because he was "out of control".  I am expecting a lot of firsts this year...my little man has showed so much improvement already and I am hopeful that it will continue to get easier for him and for us.  My older kids have grown up too.  Went to a "meet the teacher" night at their school and all of the teachers were completely in love with my kids.  I felt pretty proud of that - made me feel good about having to put up with all of the nonsense that I have had to for so long.  They are awesome and I am so proud of them.  The youngest little ringer is adjusting ok.  She misses everyone when they are gone and doesn't leave anyone alone when they are there cuz she misses them.  She has started to have accidents in her pants - she is either growing or she has security issues.  We will have to address it gently either way.
Sounds pretty good so far.  We are going through some consumer proposals right now.  It feels weird walking away from "responsibility" but this particular type of responsibility is hurting my relationship with my family and my husband.  It will be nice to not have to worry about money anymore and that we can just start living - and not pay check to pay check.  It is a fine day when your kids ask you for something and you can say sure - lets go and pay cash.  December 1 is the magic number.  I just need to find a minivan before I give my car back - I don't like relying on my husband to drive me everywhere all the time.  It cuts into his time and I want him to focus on his business.  We have three years to save up and buy a house and keep the one we have for the kids.  It will be a huge undertaking but I know that we will do it - somehow.
I think about the news and the crazy stuff that makes it to the news.  The nonsense that is going on around the world right now and I know that I have nothing to complain about.  I just want to be a part of the 10% that controls the wealth of 90% of the world.  I don't want to ask for anything anymore.  My husband gets upset with me because I don't ask for help, I don't think I should have to ask for help with the obvious.  However it is usually only me that it is obvious to.  I have another job again.  Just a little 10 hours a week to help me replace my current wardrobe.  I also want to start saving for my tummy tuck and I have a lot of other things that I want that I need to purchase and I gotta fix up my house.  Where do I start!  I know that I gotta start having fun again.  I don't know what to do with my time if I am not working.  I thought I could start sewing again but I have no where to do it.  Part of living in a tiny house with a lot of people.  I hope this isn't a whinny blog...I may not post this one to the public.  It seems to me that maybe I am letting random thoughts out of my head so that I can focus on the tasks ahead.  I gotta go track down a package now...until the next time.

Well...I am back.

I wanted to do this blog thing on a daily basis - however I found myself in kind of a tough place and I needed to work it out before I wrote something that I would regret.  I am an incredibly impulsive person and I really have a sharp toungue that can get me into trouble and there is no back peddling on it either.  Accountability factor - heh...anyway - I have taken steps to put myself back into a place that is manageable.  I have a really hard time when I try very hard to make things easy for other people and then only to find out that they think very little of me and have avoidance behaviors that really don't work well for me.  My children are little versions of my sould walking around on this earth and when they are threatened I become very upset.  When my integrity is challenged without any good reason or even a simple reason of some sort - I become upset.  I have abandonment issues..."everyone always leaves eventually".  I have experienced a lot of tradgedy in my young life - not unlike others per ce - however I tend to feel betrayed by the ones that are supposed to love me and be there for me and then they decide one day that they have had enough of me and they leave.  My parents, my sister, my brother, bff's, my first husband (and father of my older two children), my aunt - the list goes on.  Some of those people have died, some of them have just flat told me that I am a mean SOB and they want nothing to do with me, others just go away and never talk to me again with no explanation.  I have been a very needy person in the past but the pain that I have experienced as a result of these things has left me with a fear of trusting people, holding on to the people that I made - maybe a little too tight.  I worry that I will smother those poor kids to death with my overwhelming need to be loved unconditionally by everyone.  I hate having such a big heart sometimes...it gets me in trouble.  I have had to delete a couple of people off of my friends list and my phone because I couldn't handle the knowledge of knowing that they were only tolerating my existence because of my kids.  I thought wow...that is big of you. I took the time to explain to my children that it was up to them if they wanted contact with these people, I however was no longer interested.  It hurt my feelings a lot because I have tried to ensure a positive open relationship that was honest and not intrusive - or so I thought.  Perception is a tough thing to deal with...and they thought I was completely opposite of what I was trying to do and of course no explanation with regards to why they thought this way.  I admit that I am rough around the edges and I become upset about things because I care and it matters to me what impression is left on people but I will not sacrifice my value system for the sake of some one else that really has no business being in my life if they don't have the balls to tell me to my face why they think I am - well a bitch.  Dealing with momma bear here...I am rambling a bit because I am trying to still sort this out.  My kids have agreed that they will have limited access to these people, however because of the prescribed relationship they aren't willing to cut them off completely.  I understand and will work very hard to not ever put them in a position to choose.  It will be very difficult because these people don't care what I think or what my value system is.  I will be the best mom I can be and coach them as objectively as I can to ensure that they aren't uncomfortable in any way.  I keep checking in the mirror to make sure I don't have a giant "dumb ass" sign on my forehead.  Thanks for reading...I am not sure if I made a whole lot of sense but the lesson in all of this...I can be as tolerant and accomodating as possible but in the end it can still hurt me.  Gotta be a little more careful I guess...cheers all.

Wednesday - Hump Day!

When I was a kid I always wondered why they called Wednesday "Hump Day"...to me it wasn't really the middle of the week cuz my week always started on Sunday - I figured that the middle was somewhere between Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning - considering the way my brain thinks I figured out that the general population didn't think like that and so...making it to Wednesday and surviving it meant that there was only a couple of more days until the weekend.  I have worked shift work most of my adult life and so weekends were not that special to me until my kids started getting bigger and wanting to go out and do things with their friends.  I  then realized that I was truly missing out on this mysterious thing called a weekend.  I started taking some of them off and couldn't figure out what all the fuss was about.  The stores are crammed with people who are trying to get all their shopping done, traffic is worse than Wednesday rush hour & there isn't really anything good on TV.  I wonder what people did when the stores closed at 6, weren't open on Sundays and closed early on Saturdays.  Did society really demand such a maniacal way of life that it is okay to drag your kids with you on the weekends from one errand to another, feed them junk food cuz that is what is quick and easy and depending on the weather - well there are those considerations too.  So I figured that I didn't want to waste my weekends with such nonsense.  I thought if I am going to have a life with weekends free that they would need to be meaningful and full of the sound of my children laughing, having a conversation about whatever or just renting a movie that we all want to see and watching it together.  I discovered that if you go grocery shopping first thing in the morning (most stores open @ 7 am) that the day old bagels are cheap, day old bread is 50 cents and there are some really good deals on the occasional pie.  I refuse to run errands on the weekends, the stores are dead on the weekdays between 6-9 and it is the best time to shop anywhere Tuesday - Thursday.  I remember a life when my family spent time together, we would get in the car and go and visit some relatives, eat too much and run around and play with my cousins.  My kids don't have any cousins per se but we certainly do have a big enough family that we could impress upon them the importance of staying in touch.  Leave the shopping to the evenings after work.  There is no need to stay home and watch TV - it really isn't that good for you and reach out and enjoy life.  I am still trying to master the times of everything but what I do know is that when my kids are in bed they don't know that I am not there shopping for groceries, getting school supplies or whatever we may need to get through the next day.  We turned off cable and the internet recently and it is very liberating.  I have access to the NET at work - that is good enough for me...I pay enough money a month to have the privileges I do here so there is really no point in paying for the same thing twice.  I am implementing Family Date Night once a week and my husband and I will also be doing date night, one on one time with every single on of our kids - it will be either me or him and as a result we will build a stronger family unit and building a legacy of family binding ourselves together forever with NO distractions.  Grassroots I think they call it...if we didn't have the NET I would probably be writing a weekly column in the newspaper.  Happy Wednesday all =)

Tuesday - Monday's little brother =0)

I always find Tuesdays to be even more busy than Monday's.  I think it is because of all things that flow into the next day that make it just a little more taxing.

I woke up this morning to the realization that summer is truly over.  We emptied our pool and threw it out - the ring had too many holes in it to keep up.  I decided that we would just use the city run pools instead and make an outing of it.  Good for the kids to get out of the house, get some exercise and have some good old fashioned. fun.

My 9th anniversary is tomorrow. Wow...where did nine years go?!  We started out with a ready made family and then we added a couple more.  Nothing like making things more fun - we have just started travelling again...getting away from it all so to speak.  I have no more money than I did nine years ago, I sure wish I had made some different decisions about a lot of things.  I have totally learned from those misguided decisions and I definitely know that there are some things that I wish I had learned when I was younger...I certainly would not be in the mess I am in - it isn't a huge mess but it is one of those irritating ones that no matter how much you sweep there is that dusty little line left on the floor.

My daughter is busy planning her birthday party for this Friday and she has decided she is going to go to the movies with some friends.  Originally it was a friend or two and now it seems to have exploded into something significantly larger and I worry that I won't be able to pay for it.  Whatever...one less bottle of wine for me I guess (jkg) - she deserves it and I am going to make sure that I can pull it off.  This great kid of mine who has been stuck babysitting for most of the summer and I can't even pay her what she is worth.  Ugh!  Her brother is out galavanting somewhere in Saskatchewan fishing, eating bad food and going to bed late - cuz he's a boy - or so I am told.  When she grows up I hope that she will be able to take with her some of the wisdom that she has learned from looking after her younger siblings.  Her baby sister looks up to her as her idol...they are the best of friends ... so far.  I pray that it stays that way.  My little man told me that he couldn't possibly sleep last night because there was too much to do...he didn't have time to sleep.  I think he was thinking that Scooby Doo and UnderDog would make a great movie together and he was putting the final touches on what his rendition would be..in his brain.  He is excited about going back to school...he thinks that he is going to have the same teacher....I told him that only his aid would be there and all of his friends from grade one.  He proudly announced to his Oma that he would be going into grade two finally after being in school for almost 5 years.  He doesn't know that he has been in school that long but he has no idea what life is like without it.  Maybe he will be a chronic education junkie like his father...filled with useless facts that won't make a paycheck...unless he were to work in a library.

I don't have a lot of insight to offer today...I think because I started blogging too late in the day and my mind has been filled with finance stuff, fund codes and I have visions of application forms swimming through my mind.  I also have to get the Business Presentation ready for tonight and then there is the further discussion of the big event for next week.  In between all that...I gotta get the kids school stuff ready - ack!  Tomorrow I go to Westlock for a networking event and I am booking a Princess House Party for October.  The list goes on and on and on ....

It's Monday! A lot of things on my mind today....

I woke up this morning with this absolute awareness that my life is going to go back to normal very soon.  Kids are back in school in fifteen days and I am not near ready.  School supplies, clothes, shoes and one or two of them might need a new back pack.  Back to the thing with the lunches and the chores and having to pay for something unexpected or last minute because someone forgot their form at school.  Has school become so commercialized that all of this "stuff" that they "need" is a percieved need vs want?  I wonder why my 7 year old needs 20 pencils and 12 duotangs and 10 notebooks?  I know that in elementary school the teachers pool the supplies because kids forget their stuff, lose their stuff or possibly eat the pencil because they are so bored with the current curriculum.  There are great things about back to school, like if I take a mental health day that it will actually be quiet at home.  The concerts, artwork that comes home on occassion, the stories that we hear...the bonus part is the odd phone call from the school telling me that my kid was absent - it took me forever to figure out that I had to call the school to let them know my kid was sick...that is what stops the irritating voice telling me that my kid was missing in school today.  Some things make me completely crazy...fashion, trends, the cost of all of it.  My older kids are constantly telling me that their friends don't have to do chores, that they get to play video games whenever they want, they get to go out to eat and they have the latest gadgets when it comes to phones, mp3 players etc.  I think "wow" what do these people do for a living and they must be doing really well if they work full time and can afford a maid, personal shopper and the bill for all of the latest and greatest electronics that are out there.  I don't see these people at the parent meetings or volunteering for field trips so that must be the case, I wonder when family time happens.  I am a firm believer that you should sit down and eat dinner together at the table every day.  No distractions.  It's good time to check in and see how everyone is doing. 
I had a revelation the other day...this is something that I noticed before but for some reason it is irritating me to no end and I wonder how completely unaccountable the world has become.  I was watching the news lately and for some reason a lot of cars are crashing ...the news people always say that the car lost control and crashed into a pole...or whatever the incident was involving a vehicle...and that the driver was however they were affected.  Now since when did cars have a mind of their own?  I have noticed a lot of cars or trucks lately veering off the road, crashing into other vehicles or stalling and the driver is nowhere to be seen or heard from - apparently they are not at fault with the whole incident.  Or how about this one...some one was stabbed by a knife - no assailant - just a knife.  Now to my little guy - who has autism - he asks me one day if there is a problem with knives just jumping out at you out of no where and stabbing people.  What am I supposed to tell him when the news reports it this way.  It is a nice way of people escaping accountability until an investigation has been launched and evidence concludes as to whether or not someone was driving the car that met with a pole in a violent way.  I am curious as to how people think this is ok...I need to think about this some more and comment on it another day I think.  I better do some work now...sigh.

This train wreck needs a clean up

I haven't had a blog in a long while and I figure it was cuz I was "ok".  It has been almost three years since I "blogged" and  lot has changed.  I remembered one day why it was that I was so lonely - it has a lot to do with not having anyone I can just talk with and that they will listen.  I had that person and she died twenty months ago.  I have been holding my head above water and now I think I am tired of doing that.  Am I depressed - no - just expect more of myself and the people around me don't really listen to me or care.  I need support from the people that are supposed to love and care for me...but lets face it - I gotta do this stuff on my own.  If you are reading this out of curiousity of my title - well here goes.  Intro time...

I am 37, mom of 4 - I live in a townhouse that I bought 3 years ago with the plans of selling it 2 years ago and well the market tanked.  My husband quit his full time job 3 years ago to pursue the dream of an oppertunity that would lead us to a world of comfort and relief.  These last three years have been the most difficult in our relationship but not in my life.  I am tired.  My oldest daughter is an absolutely amazing child...she is so talented and gifted in so many ways and I love her to bits. She has been such a trooper her entire life - being the oldest she takes the brunt of most of my mistakes - but I am still her hero.  My oldest son is a young man who has to live in his own skin and I only pray that he sorts things out by the time he is a grown up.  I keep hoping that his father will step up and be a man - or maybe his dad will cut him a break.  I can only do as much as he will let me.  My little man - he is a breath of fresh air and we have learned a lot from him.  He lives in his own world and he is blessed with so many talents and strengths.  The world focuses on his one weakness - autism - and so we are busy making sure that he gets a fair shake in the world. He just needs to grow up and learn a few things and some of it will take a little longer than others but I am a patient woman.  God blessed me with a beautiful baby girl in the midst of all of our chaos and she has been the ray of sunshine in our day.  She is a very happy little girl who shines a bright light in any room that she enters in to.  I wish I could spend more time with her...she lifts me up and she doesn't even know it.  I thank God for sending me these individuals - I feel truly blessed that I get to be their mom...I certainly don't feel as tho I deserve to have that responsibility but He only sends us what He knows we can handle.  So where does the train wreck come in....well...that would be me.

I am so tired of being tired.  I have worked so hard to focus on the positive things in my life and I woke up recently - after a convention that I had gone to...I realized that I am not doing enough for me and my family.  I also realized that the reason I don't have that special someone is because people have no idea what to do with me.  My husband tells me that my perception of reality is flawed....easy for him to say...he isn't the one footing the bill for this life that we lead.   I think too much and do too little.  I don't want to do this stuff by myself...I have a partner - I just wish he would join the team.  I am having a mini pity party while I try to figure this stuff out and I think today...I will roll up all the pennies I have in the 47jars that are lining my shelves in various areas of my house.  I may be able to roll up enough to buy a new shirt.  I have been trying to figure out how to make the money stretch even further than I have.  We lived on 47k last year - a family of six with a mortgage and two car payments.  It is not supposed to be this hard and most people would have quit by now.  My inspiration is my son.  Despite his differences I have learned a lot from him...and one of them is to perseverate on persistance and to not quit.  What gives me the right?  I wake up everyday and go through the exact same routine (boring) and I eat the exact same thing for breakfast (cuz I hate eating and this is quick)  - the only real highlight of my morning routine is trying to figure out what I am going to wear today.  When my little guys wake up - well - they burst out of their rooms and sing "Hi MOM!" they run up to me and give me a hug and they have these huge smiles on their faces.  There you have it...these guys are keeping me on track - and so today is a new day.  Just like everyday =)